Fail

Dear God,

I feel like a failure today. My mind feels scattered all over the place. I have put you on the back burner. I feel out of control. I feel useless. I feel guilty. My mom doesnt read her Bible everyday. I do. At least I try. I see you still bless her. How does she know You and Your word if she doesn’t read it?

Months ago, I was getting up making coffee and reading your word first thing. Now, I do like a million things before I read Your word or spend any kind of time with You.

I don’t know what I am doing. I feel selfish. Self consumed. This is because of my insecurities. I’m frustrated with myself. All the time. Knowing that I care and think too much about myself. I am in a relationship now. With Matthew (thank you for him).

I just cant keep up with trying to do all the things I feel I need to do. Between making sure I’m not dying because of my eating, working out, figuring out how to be what You want me to be, cooking, cleaning, YouTube and my job. I dont feel like I am doing anything right these days.

Since August, oh my. I just don’t know how to describe it. Horribly challenging and exhausting and ridiculously wonderful and beautiful.

Before August, I was feeling good and “in control” because of my performance. I got up read my Bible, encouraged Lizzie through school and did this all with confidence.

Then May came and I all of sudden had the desire to be married again. I met Matthew in June and then August…

Lord, I feel you calling me to things. Lizzie feels You calling me to things. Matthew. Rebekah, Mom. Many talk as if I am going to be given some platform one day.

I feel pressure to do this. I can give others advice, but not understand what to do in my own life.

What if I am not eating right? Am I supposed to be eating meat?

I’m focused on myself. I’m trying to stay alive. Make sure I don’t doubt. Make sure I am healthy.

I am stressed by my own hand. I feel like I am choking myself in the name of being Your servant.

I want to be humble. I want to be kind and loving and a good wife one day. I want to be encouraging.

I can’t keep up. I feel like a fail whale.

If i dig deep, what is actually going on? This is the time, Holy Spirit, to let me know.

I believe love or the lack of love is the root of all things. Both good an bad.

I focus on myself because I want to be loved. I want to be loved by myself and others. Performance. I am bound up by my own hands.

Do I think others love me? Yes. Do I love me? Only if I feel good for that day. If I feel good for that day, it is because I feel “fit” or “healthy.”

Comparison is indeed the thief of joy.

God, you listen to me. I still feel not good. My head hurts. I am about to cry.

How do I get myself out of this downward slope of self?

Forgive me. Addiction to yourself is just as deadly as addiction to substance.

I feel like I could have the power to change people’s minds. But my mind has to be changed.

Your will; not mine.

Help me.

I don’t know how to get from point A to point B.

Am I set apart?

Do you have something for me to do?

I need help.

-Lauren Dawn