Dear God,

I feel like a failure today. My mind feels scattered all over the place. I have put you on the back burner. I feel out of control. I feel useless. I feel guilty. My mom doesnt read her Bible everyday. I do. At least I try. I see you still bless her. How does she know You and Your word if she doesn’t read it?

Months ago, I was getting up making coffee and reading your word first thing. Now, I do like a million things before I read Your word or spend any kind of time with You.

I don’t know what I am doing. I feel selfish. Self consumed. This is because of my insecurities. I’m frustrated with myself. All the time. Knowing that I care and think too much about myself. I am in a relationship now. With Matthew (thank you for him).

I just cant keep up with trying to do all the things I feel I need to do. Between making sure I’m not dying because of my eating, working out, figuring out how to be what You want me to be, cooking, cleaning, YouTube and my job. I dont feel like I am doing anything right these days.

Since August, oh my. I just don’t know how to describe it. Horribly challenging and exhausting and ridiculously wonderful and beautiful.

Before August, I was feeling good and “in control” because of my performance. I got up read my Bible, encouraged Lizzie through school and did this all with confidence.

Then May came and I all of sudden had the desire to be married again. I met Matthew in June and then August…

Lord, I feel you calling me to things. Lizzie feels You calling me to things. Matthew. Rebekah, Mom. Many talk as if I am going to be given some platform one day.

I feel pressure to do this. I can give others advice, but not understand what to do in my own life.

What if I am not eating right? Am I supposed to be eating meat?

I’m focused on myself. I’m trying to stay alive. Make sure I don’t doubt. Make sure I am healthy.

I am stressed by my own hand. I feel like I am choking myself in the name of being Your servant.

I want to be humble. I want to be kind and loving and a good wife one day. I want to be encouraging.

I can’t keep up. I feel like a fail whale.

If i dig deep, what is actually going on? This is the time, Holy Spirit, to let me know.

I believe love or the lack of love is the root of all things. Both good an bad.

I focus on myself because I want to be loved. I want to be loved by myself and others. Performance. I am bound up by my own hands.

Do I think others love me? Yes. Do I love me? Only if I feel good for that day. If I feel good for that day, it is because I feel “fit” or “healthy.”

Comparison is indeed the thief of joy.

God, you listen to me. I still feel not good. My head hurts. I am about to cry.

How do I get myself out of this downward slope of self?

Forgive me. Addiction to yourself is just as deadly as addiction to substance.

I feel like I could have the power to change people’s minds. But my mind has to be changed.

Your will; not mine.

Help me.

I don’t know how to get from point A to point B.

Am I set apart?

Do you have something for me to do?

I need help.

-Lauren Dawn

Today is August 9, 2019. Praise God that I have this day. The past few days have been the hardest days of my entire life. I am 25 years old with a relationship with God I thought could not be strained. I need not be so arrogant to think that I could not be tempted.

Simple and sweet…actually not sweet at all, this past week I let a though fester in my mind that grew into a weed to large in my mind that it overtook the flowers I have been planting since I have been saved.

Truly the scariest week of my life.

I am not going to focus on that though. I am here to proclaim the goodness of the Lord. That is why I exist. I will give. simple reason of why I a m here writing a blog about Pure Lovely and Noble things.

I don’t know why, but the Lord designed my inner beings to desire a husband. Not all people want to be a home make, but that has always been my desire. I have Benn in a few relationships here and there, but none that have made me seal the deal with marraige. For 6 years, I have committed my days to waiting. Just waiting on the Lord and His timing to bring me the man He wants for my life to finish His ministry in me. I desire to be a helper to my husband. I believe that I would be better at my ministry for the Lord with a man to lead me when I am weak, and for him to encouraged when he is week. For 2 is better than 1.

I have not been in a relationship in 6 years, in hope that the Lord will indeed bring me the man that I have been longing for my whole life.

So here is why I am in the pickle with the giant weed over shadowing all the beautiful flowers in my garden. About a month ago, a person sparked my interest. An interest that resulted in a first time unguarded joy and happiness that I didn’t mind naming and claiming. As a few weeks went by, some significant (well significant things for someone who hasn’t dated in 6 years) happened giving me even more joy.

Something that is necessary to know about me, is that I have been a Christian since I was 7 years old. Praise Gos. I was raised in a Christian home that centered everything around God. I have not had a picture perfect childhood. Because of a dead beat father causing more problems that I’d like to admit, God has been the realest in times of trials and difficulties. I know Him very well in the valley.

So going back to that little spark. It was beginning in the most beginning stages really seem just wonderful. Really. Because I know the living God so well in the Valley, I began so assume that I was losing sight of Him while I was climbing up this mountain. I began to doubt His goodness because up to this point Im not sure I have ever experienced Him in such a childlike happiness kind of way.

I began to question if God was still with me in the good.

Now for most, people like and “find” God in the good. When things are going their way, that is when they like to acknowledge God. And then when a trial hits, they question God and His goodness.

I however know that Lord by my struggles. I don’t necessarily look for hardships, but I seem to be quite aquainted with them and was taught at an early age that the Lord is in control. If he brought you to it, He will get you through it. My faith built about the faith that God would bring me through my struggle.

I don’t want to sit here and say that NOTHING good has ever happened to me. Plenty of marvelous things have happened to me, but usually after a trial of some sort. A testing of Faith.

For the first time, I felt like God was giving me a gift…without a trial. Now I’m stupid because this little spark was so wonderful that it made me forget that I have been in a trial of singleness for 6 years. HELLO maybe this was the blessing at the end of trial.

Well I didnt believe that and began to doubt that God could give me Lauren Dawn born of Sherri Dawn a good thing.

RUDE!

How could I disrespect such a gift from the most living God who blessed me the multitude that I have.

So a couple weeks of that thinking lead me to the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

Something else to know about me is that I am an oevrthinker by nature. I could think something to death if possible…

Well actually that is what I did. I thought by faith to death. I doubted the goodness of the Lord and the evil one saw the open door and crept his schemes into my inner beings that resulted in the doubting of God’s existence all together. Torment. Torment. Torment.

That is all I can say. I know that God is alive and real, but those few little thoughts of doubting God’s goodness lead me to a place I swore I could never get to.

I am nothing without my God. I have no purpose. I am a lifeless being with Jesus Christ. He saved me from my sin that lingered in my heart. He cleaned me white a snow. He dressed me in a robe of righteousness. My purpose is not for myself but it is for the glory of the Lord. The Maker of all things. Without Him, I am nothing. He is my everything, and I doubted that.

So I am not really here to talk about all my doubts.

For if you linger upon untruth, untruth begins to seem true. Twisted evil schemes from the evil one.

Here I am today to strengthen my faith like my muscles. I must tell of his goodness. His faithfulness. I overstrained my heart with thoughts that were not of the Lord, I “broke” something inside, I broke my peace with the Lord, my eyes strayed and I wandered into the deep forest of untruth. I under went surgery and now I am in physical therapy.

So today, I am telling you of the pure, lovely and noble things of the Lord Jesus Christ who saved me from an eternity of hell.

Today is August 9, 2019

Today’s pure, lovely, and noble

I woke up with a sister who loved me so much to selflessly come in my room from the night before to sleep with me to comfort my soul in my time of despair.

I woke up to the sunlight. The sun that God put in the sky at the very beginning of time. So perfectly positioned that if even a hair closer or further, we would either freeze or burn up.

The morning looked bright and calm with sounds of crickets an frogs.

My stomach was hungry, I was able to fill my stomach with food. Blueberry smoothie.

I was sad and I cried real tears of agony and my mom. A woman of faith spoke truth to me that was harsh. I ate it all up.

Praise the living God for a mother that cares about me like that.

I went to the barn sale and I slept and was giving the relieving thought that I do NOT have to dwell in this. I dwell in the house of the Lord. Not my untruthful ways.

I got a crate formal my journals and Bibles. Journals and Bibles that I have seen the Lord move in. Direct me to the places Im going. Praise God for my crate.

I got a yellow pillow that just made me happy because I love yellow. Yellow is a bright color that has represented a change in me from wearing all dark colors because I was sad to yellow because I am now happy in my soul.

I took a nap and thoughts arrived like an unwanted guest. He rand the doorbell and instead of ignoring it I open the door. Now I didn’t welcome the guest in put being in my “Spiritual Wheelchair” I didn’t have the strength to push him out when he forced his way in.

Praise God my mother who again spoke truth into my soul. Giving me life.

We went to bargain hunt. On the way there I felt the breeze and felt the sun hit my face in a warmth that no one explain. Fully explain. It came from your sun. Thank you my God for the goodness of you Sun. And you Son.

Burn the Ships came on my For King an Country. The lyrics are undeniably perfect for my recovery. Burn the ships…dont you look back. Thank yummy God for the Joel and Luke Smallbone. Bless their ministry.

I love famers markets because through the food of the living God that gave os vegetation to plant harvest and eat, I have been healed of many illnesses. At Bargain Hunt I found a basket book bag that I have been wanting for a long time! Thank you God.

I found a few frivolous items needed but will make me happy when I am better and able to wear them one I am out of this “Wheenchair.”

I spent time in Barnes and Noble as I sought out Francis Chans “Crazy Love” book that talks about the relentless love go God. thank you God for giving me that book. Bless the book.

I spent an hour just reading and feeling comforted by the peace of your presence in the book store.

I felt a fight that I needed. Thank you God. I got the energy to write a blog post. To fight every second for the faith I know is true.

I left Barnes and Noble…hey NOBLE! Whatever is NOBLE! Praise God!

I left Barnes and Noble and went to Starbucks to get coffee. A true gift! I wanted to feel comforted by the physical things that God gives us daily that we take for granted. I need those things.

I then had a desire to color. I wanted a coloring book so that I may relax in your goodness. I will do anything for my God.

I went to Ross for a coloring book and there sat an animal jumbo coloring book. I was thinking I needed a scripture one, but as soon as I saw it, I questioned it because it seemed shallow, but then I thought, “These are the creatures of the living God, I will color these.” God loves me more than the animals of the world, yet it is obvious that He even cares for the animals by the way He designed them. They have no instruction, yet know what to do. That is God.

I bought the coloring book and a pack of markers, checked out. the girl at the counter knew it was for a stress reliever. She just had no idea. I love you God. I went hope.

As I pulled into my neighborhood, the lit up cross on the church’s pavilion right at the entrance of my neighborhood glowed under the bright moon. The song “In Christ Alone” by owl city began to play. I sat and I stopped to sing to the God of the universe as a weapon against the evil one, to praise the living God. The Maker of the moon. I looked to the cross and I looked to the moon, I sang and began to tear up.

When the song ended I took a picture and started down the street to my house declaring my plan to get back to the unfdeniable faith I had a couple weeks ago. I will fight until I win.

So here are the facts:

God is with me always even is I do not feel it. I put my faith in a physical therapist after surgery hoping he will bring me pack to walking and running. I will go the appointments. He will show me the exercises, but it is my job to work for it. I cannot walk today and that is okay, I don’t feel better really, I have hope that I will get better but I don’t feel like my old self before I overstrained my heart with untruth. I will have to work at this. But with the Great Physician on my side and teaching my exercises, I cannot loose. My heart is the Lords, everyday will get better regardless of my feelings.

Feelings are misleading. They are strong but not always accurate. I love the Lord with all my heart. I thank God for my trial and struggle. I promise to accept the good that HE brings me without question. I ask in God’s Holy name that he protects me fro the flames of the evil one. That he sets my mind up the pure, the lovely and the noble.

He is my rock, my comforter, he is my everything.

I can do nothing without Him. I lovely God no matter what.

Protect me as I lay my head to rest. May You fill my mind with truth and beautiful things.

Im a survivor of doubt because He is stronger that doubt. I love You, God. Take my words as an offering that are good tp your ears and bless my life. Protect me tonight. Make me even better tomorrow! I love you for the peace that you have given me tonight!

To God be the Glory forever and ever amen!

You are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:21

“You are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:21

-Bible

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
• Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
• What topics do you think you’ll write about?
• Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
• If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.